What is the point of all this? Am I being tested? How long is this test and does anyone have a cheat sheet for me? How about just some hints? Surely the world isn't out to get me, right? Right?! Why does it seem this way? Why do I have to keep climbing out of this hole just to fall back in deeper? Why must the climb be so hard? Why can't I get out? What is it about me that makes me incapable of escaping this place? When will I give up trying? Will I die in this hole? Why is it so dark here? Could someone just please shine a light down here so I can get just one foothold? Can I please just get one second of hope from above to show me that there is something up there worth the fight of this endless climb? How long have I been here? Forever? How long will I be here? Always? When I get out will I have anything left to go on? Will I even want to go on? Is there more climbing after this?
I'm tired of climbing. I think I'll just stay down here. It's dark and cold but I think I'll be fine. I think I could stay. I think I will stay. Just lay down and curl up. Sleep, come swiftly.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I can never say: "I say I told you so!"
I have no topic for this post. I'm just gonna keep talking until something makes sense. My new job sucks. I hate it. Its pretty much a dust factory. A hot, dirty, noisy dust factory. The pay sucks. I work all week to have not enough money so by the time its payday again I already owe people the money I haven't made yet. Like some crazy cycle of almost. God hates me but he loves my family so he keeps me around. Hey! There's a topic.
God.
Who is he? What's his motivation? Is he really watching? What does he think of all this?
Let's start with "Who is he?". The bible will tell you God is a man shaped figure who resides in Heaven and watches down on all of us with deep love and sympathy. Really? I wouldn't believe everything you read. In my opinion God is what created the universe. He is not a being who sits judgementally above us and shakes His head. God is energy. He is gravity. God is cosmic background microwave radiation! He IS in fact everywhere. He IS in fact all powerful. He is and always will be. The stories we hear about him were most likely made up to scare children and criminals into steering clear of sin. So when I think of God, I think of him as the universe itself. He is everything.
What's his motivation? To me its simple. He wants to put all matter in every possible configuration. A daunting task even for Him. The result of this we perceive as time. The matter moving through the cosmos, including you, me, trucks, planets and asteroids, is simply on its way to its next configuration. Each configuration will only be achieved once and matter will move on to the next. Easy. So His ultimate goal is to make time. He is time. He becomes time and so gives us a sense of day by day.
Is he really watching? No. Not in the sense we are made to believe. He is not the patient father carefully watching his children while they grow and mature. If he is watching its not in a conscious way. His watching is merely observation. Making sure all His atoms and particles are following the rules. That is, moving the way they are supposed to and in the directions and speeds allowed by His laws. His laws are what we call physics. He says all matter will have an attractive property we call gravity. He governs the movement and interactions of all matter and thus governs all things.
What does he think of all this? To me this is another simple answer. He doesn't, but let us assume for a moment he does. If He did think of His universe and our role in it why does he let us go about the way we do? Why would a loving God allow the suffering and disparity that is rampant on our planet? My reasoning for this hearkens back to a lesson my father (my actual father) taught me a very long time ago. You can't have love without hate. The law of opposites. For instance: if you lived in a world where the temperature stayed at a constant, you would not understand the concepts of cold or hot. If you lived on a planet that did not rotate you would not have daytime or nighttime. So to answer the question: He IS a loving God, but for this to be possible He must be capable of hate. Its a real possibility that He hates us. This thought downright outrages many who believe God as the bearded guy, but to me seems all too real. Another thought is that He doesn't hate us but is rather indifferent towards us. He may even just consider us as matter. No feelings involved other than the feelings you may have for your coffee table.
So my warped view of the world and all that surrounds it may seem impossible to many pious folk. I just remind them that their views seem just as impossible to me. That a being created all this, for us, is just as outrageous as ideas proposed by early scientists such as the earth is flat or that our sun revolves around us. In the end my ideas and views are just that: Mine. They are harmless. it all comes down to how comfortable we are with or own mortality. I'm very comfortable with how I think it is. I would like nothing more than for it to be the way it's taught in Sunday School. I would love to spend eternity with all of you in a peaceful utopia. I would love to reach the gates of heaven and have you say "I told you so!".
God.
Who is he? What's his motivation? Is he really watching? What does he think of all this?
Let's start with "Who is he?". The bible will tell you God is a man shaped figure who resides in Heaven and watches down on all of us with deep love and sympathy. Really? I wouldn't believe everything you read. In my opinion God is what created the universe. He is not a being who sits judgementally above us and shakes His head. God is energy. He is gravity. God is cosmic background microwave radiation! He IS in fact everywhere. He IS in fact all powerful. He is and always will be. The stories we hear about him were most likely made up to scare children and criminals into steering clear of sin. So when I think of God, I think of him as the universe itself. He is everything.
What's his motivation? To me its simple. He wants to put all matter in every possible configuration. A daunting task even for Him. The result of this we perceive as time. The matter moving through the cosmos, including you, me, trucks, planets and asteroids, is simply on its way to its next configuration. Each configuration will only be achieved once and matter will move on to the next. Easy. So His ultimate goal is to make time. He is time. He becomes time and so gives us a sense of day by day.
Is he really watching? No. Not in the sense we are made to believe. He is not the patient father carefully watching his children while they grow and mature. If he is watching its not in a conscious way. His watching is merely observation. Making sure all His atoms and particles are following the rules. That is, moving the way they are supposed to and in the directions and speeds allowed by His laws. His laws are what we call physics. He says all matter will have an attractive property we call gravity. He governs the movement and interactions of all matter and thus governs all things.
What does he think of all this? To me this is another simple answer. He doesn't, but let us assume for a moment he does. If He did think of His universe and our role in it why does he let us go about the way we do? Why would a loving God allow the suffering and disparity that is rampant on our planet? My reasoning for this hearkens back to a lesson my father (my actual father) taught me a very long time ago. You can't have love without hate. The law of opposites. For instance: if you lived in a world where the temperature stayed at a constant, you would not understand the concepts of cold or hot. If you lived on a planet that did not rotate you would not have daytime or nighttime. So to answer the question: He IS a loving God, but for this to be possible He must be capable of hate. Its a real possibility that He hates us. This thought downright outrages many who believe God as the bearded guy, but to me seems all too real. Another thought is that He doesn't hate us but is rather indifferent towards us. He may even just consider us as matter. No feelings involved other than the feelings you may have for your coffee table.
So my warped view of the world and all that surrounds it may seem impossible to many pious folk. I just remind them that their views seem just as impossible to me. That a being created all this, for us, is just as outrageous as ideas proposed by early scientists such as the earth is flat or that our sun revolves around us. In the end my ideas and views are just that: Mine. They are harmless. it all comes down to how comfortable we are with or own mortality. I'm very comfortable with how I think it is. I would like nothing more than for it to be the way it's taught in Sunday School. I would love to spend eternity with all of you in a peaceful utopia. I would love to reach the gates of heaven and have you say "I told you so!".
Monday, July 5, 2010
"Love+Sex=?" or "The Confused Heart"
For today I have two topics that are at the same time connected yet separate. Love & Sex.
Sex:
I love sex. Its by far my favorite thing to do. I will drop anything to be with my wife. I've even been known to leave work when the urge takes her and she sends me a sexy text message. Sex with her is never boring. She is always willing to try new things (which i wont mention here). I don't think I can fully explain how much I like sex in a blog. Its just the funnest thing two people can do. I'm prone to talking about with strangers online. Not for gratification but for just conversation. I like to know other's views on my favorite subject. Not cybersex or role-playing but just sex questions. It seems to be a most popular subject among most people. In my past I've had the casual meaningless sex. Its not near as fun as it is with someone you love. This is also true with talking about sex. In fact, I believe, it is necessary to have memorable sex. This is a problem for my sex life. We do talk about sex. What we like and what we don't, but if I mention something she doesn't like it makes her feel bad. I won't get into specifics but some of my wilder fantasies make her feel bad. That, in turn, makes me feel bad. Its not that I love her less or even that I love anyone more. In fact I couldn't love her any more or less than I do now. They are just some things I want to try with her. Just some things I want to try with her.
Love:
This is the thing that keeps me alive. Drives me to drag myself out of bed everyday and do the things I hate to give them what little I can. I have so much love for my wife and our children I can't even begin to put it in words. My wife is like a ray of light that pierces the dark grey veil that surrounds my everything. When she is away I am a pitiful person. Pathetic and aimless. I become less. When she is near I bask in her warmth and am drawn to her. I become happy just seeing her face. Just knowing she is at home waiting for me is all the reason I need to rush to her when my work is done. Never have I felt more love from another person. Never have I loved anyone like I love her. Never will I. She is truly the perfect mix of amazing, loving, caring and intelligent. Never has someone gave themselves so completely to anything as she has done to me. For me there is no other human being on the planet (or other planets) I could love more. When I am alone with her, nothing else exists, no one else exist. We enter our own plane of existence and I am taken away to a place inundated by love and warmth. When it ends I find myself longing to go back. Dreaming of the time I can return to her world. Return to the place where we are one. No longer individuals but a joined being lost in a place of love and happiness not caring about how to be found. Happy to be lost. Wanting to be lost.
To me love and sex are but two parts of a greater whole. Without one the other is less. Love is the result, sex is the expression. Sure you could have love without sex, and sex without love. But that doesn't work for me. I couldn't imagine one without the other. Its much like a mathematical equation. They balance each other. Much like a relationship. There must be a yin and a yang. A hot and cold. An up and down. So for now I'll leave it at that. Just consider this a look into a confused heart.
Sex:
I love sex. Its by far my favorite thing to do. I will drop anything to be with my wife. I've even been known to leave work when the urge takes her and she sends me a sexy text message. Sex with her is never boring. She is always willing to try new things (which i wont mention here). I don't think I can fully explain how much I like sex in a blog. Its just the funnest thing two people can do. I'm prone to talking about with strangers online. Not for gratification but for just conversation. I like to know other's views on my favorite subject. Not cybersex or role-playing but just sex questions. It seems to be a most popular subject among most people. In my past I've had the casual meaningless sex. Its not near as fun as it is with someone you love. This is also true with talking about sex. In fact, I believe, it is necessary to have memorable sex. This is a problem for my sex life. We do talk about sex. What we like and what we don't, but if I mention something she doesn't like it makes her feel bad. I won't get into specifics but some of my wilder fantasies make her feel bad. That, in turn, makes me feel bad. Its not that I love her less or even that I love anyone more. In fact I couldn't love her any more or less than I do now. They are just some things I want to try with her. Just some things I want to try with her.
Love:
This is the thing that keeps me alive. Drives me to drag myself out of bed everyday and do the things I hate to give them what little I can. I have so much love for my wife and our children I can't even begin to put it in words. My wife is like a ray of light that pierces the dark grey veil that surrounds my everything. When she is away I am a pitiful person. Pathetic and aimless. I become less. When she is near I bask in her warmth and am drawn to her. I become happy just seeing her face. Just knowing she is at home waiting for me is all the reason I need to rush to her when my work is done. Never have I felt more love from another person. Never have I loved anyone like I love her. Never will I. She is truly the perfect mix of amazing, loving, caring and intelligent. Never has someone gave themselves so completely to anything as she has done to me. For me there is no other human being on the planet (or other planets) I could love more. When I am alone with her, nothing else exists, no one else exist. We enter our own plane of existence and I am taken away to a place inundated by love and warmth. When it ends I find myself longing to go back. Dreaming of the time I can return to her world. Return to the place where we are one. No longer individuals but a joined being lost in a place of love and happiness not caring about how to be found. Happy to be lost. Wanting to be lost.
To me love and sex are but two parts of a greater whole. Without one the other is less. Love is the result, sex is the expression. Sure you could have love without sex, and sex without love. But that doesn't work for me. I couldn't imagine one without the other. Its much like a mathematical equation. They balance each other. Much like a relationship. There must be a yin and a yang. A hot and cold. An up and down. So for now I'll leave it at that. Just consider this a look into a confused heart.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
WTF have YOU been!?
WOW.
Its been awhile but I'm back. This time I intend to keep this up. All diary-like. Its been an eventful few months since I've been away.
Mere days after my last post our house caught fire and destroyed most of our earthly possessions. Thankfully no one was hurt and we all made it out unscathed. We moved in with my sister (God bless her) for a few months. I thank the powers that be everyday for her and her family's willingness to put thier (normal) life on hold to help us out in our time of deparation. They opened up thier home and allowed us to promptly wreck it with our kajillion kids and what was left of our belongings. Since then we have found a new home in Edwardsville. I hate being away from my beloved KCK but we gotta do what we gotta do right? Then in February I lost my job (which i hated anyway) and have been out of work since. Hopefully this won't be for much longer.
Anyway.......
I'm glad to be back. It feels good to be typing this right now and I think I will be back here more often. I'm glad to report that my relantionship with my wife is getting better. We have stepped up communication which has gave each other a sense of what we both require from this marriage. I think I have a deeper understanding of how much she puts into our family and have therefore appreciated her more. I have told her how I feel. She tells me how she feels. We both try to sympathize with those feelings and our relationship is stronger now. I no longer feel intimadated by her when talking about our emotions as i have found it easier to express exactly how I feel. A problem I had in the past. So for now I must motivate myself to get off here and do something productive. Video games are productive right?
Its been awhile but I'm back. This time I intend to keep this up. All diary-like. Its been an eventful few months since I've been away.
Mere days after my last post our house caught fire and destroyed most of our earthly possessions. Thankfully no one was hurt and we all made it out unscathed. We moved in with my sister (God bless her) for a few months. I thank the powers that be everyday for her and her family's willingness to put thier (normal) life on hold to help us out in our time of deparation. They opened up thier home and allowed us to promptly wreck it with our kajillion kids and what was left of our belongings. Since then we have found a new home in Edwardsville. I hate being away from my beloved KCK but we gotta do what we gotta do right? Then in February I lost my job (which i hated anyway) and have been out of work since. Hopefully this won't be for much longer.
Anyway.......
I'm glad to be back. It feels good to be typing this right now and I think I will be back here more often. I'm glad to report that my relantionship with my wife is getting better. We have stepped up communication which has gave each other a sense of what we both require from this marriage. I think I have a deeper understanding of how much she puts into our family and have therefore appreciated her more. I have told her how I feel. She tells me how she feels. We both try to sympathize with those feelings and our relationship is stronger now. I no longer feel intimadated by her when talking about our emotions as i have found it easier to express exactly how I feel. A problem I had in the past. So for now I must motivate myself to get off here and do something productive. Video games are productive right?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Hello Me, it's Me again!
My wife. GOD do I love her, but fear my love is not reciprocated. My deepest horror is that the love of my life is simply content with my companionship. I wish she would show me the love she professes. I don't know if she is going through the changes of life or that she sees me as a comfort to have around. I hope it is the former. I could not imagine myself without her. I cannot seem to convince her of my affection. She is an enigma. A riddle worthy of the most educated mind to solve. I am afraid I have not the capacity for equating this puzzle set before me. Where the rest of my life has had changes this one aspect of my life is static. I feel a nagging, pulling, twisting concern in the pits of myself that one day my wife will leave me. To think so stings my eyes and makes my heart weep. The saddened reality of it all is that is it is probably true. If this does happen it will indeed be the darkest day in a life that has has it's share of blackness. Don't get me wrong. My life has had generous helpings of light. Bright and full. Shining with the brilliance of one thousand suns. Yet, somehow, despite the joy, there seems to be a hole in my life. One that cannot be filled by anything else other than a lover's pleasure. With a heavy heart I admit defeat. I walk shamefully away from love's ruthless battlefield battered and bruised by no more than a whispering of doubt. To my true love do I yield. To my inamorata do the spoils go.
To my wife do I fall.
To my wife do I fall.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Hard to tell from here.
Hey all.
It has been awhile since I posted, and if anyone is following my rants, please respond.
Today's rant will be about my favorite subject to pick on: Women. More specifically: My Woman.
First, let me say, with every fiber of my being, I could not love this woman more. She has been with me for many years and has given herself wholly to the success of our family. Furthermore, she loves me to the same degree. I applaud her loyalty, and her unyielding capability to put up with me, as I am not the easy-going, carefree guy I appear to be in these posts. Having said that, lets move on to the more important discussion of how I don't understand her one iota, and she can read me like a Fun with Dick and Jane short story. She knows me as well as George Bush knows how to be a moron. I, on the other hand, couldn't figure out what she's thinking if I had nine Al-Qaeda interrogators, two psychic detectives and her own autobiography. She is more complex than my inferior male brain can comprehend. Why? I'm a pretty smart guy. I can crunch numbers, ponder truths and debate the mysteries of the cosmos with the best of them, yet I cannot tell when its a good time to ask what's for dinner. I believe I speak for men everywhere when I ask: What's up with thats? How? How? How can I be so far detached from the woman I love and will spend the rest of my life with to not now how she is feeling at any given time? Am I that retarded or is she that intricate? What keeps me from being able to compile all the things I've learned about her to make a educated guess as to her mood? Is she happy? Is she sad? Hungry? Horny? Mad? Should I ask how her day was? Should I just pretend that i don't know she's in a bad mood? Do I really know that she is? She is my alter-ego who, while she does the things she does, I've never met. How do I please her? Should I try? I know, for a fact that she could answer these questions about me in her head in about .35 milliseconds. These are not hard questions, but the answers have eluded me for about twelve years now. In my mind's eye she is a million miles ahead and I'm but a tiny speck in her rear view mirror. So when I try to think what's going on in her head I can only think of one response: It's hard to tell from here.
It has been awhile since I posted, and if anyone is following my rants, please respond.
Today's rant will be about my favorite subject to pick on: Women. More specifically: My Woman.
First, let me say, with every fiber of my being, I could not love this woman more. She has been with me for many years and has given herself wholly to the success of our family. Furthermore, she loves me to the same degree. I applaud her loyalty, and her unyielding capability to put up with me, as I am not the easy-going, carefree guy I appear to be in these posts. Having said that, lets move on to the more important discussion of how I don't understand her one iota, and she can read me like a Fun with Dick and Jane short story. She knows me as well as George Bush knows how to be a moron. I, on the other hand, couldn't figure out what she's thinking if I had nine Al-Qaeda interrogators, two psychic detectives and her own autobiography. She is more complex than my inferior male brain can comprehend. Why? I'm a pretty smart guy. I can crunch numbers, ponder truths and debate the mysteries of the cosmos with the best of them, yet I cannot tell when its a good time to ask what's for dinner. I believe I speak for men everywhere when I ask: What's up with thats? How? How? How can I be so far detached from the woman I love and will spend the rest of my life with to not now how she is feeling at any given time? Am I that retarded or is she that intricate? What keeps me from being able to compile all the things I've learned about her to make a educated guess as to her mood? Is she happy? Is she sad? Hungry? Horny? Mad? Should I ask how her day was? Should I just pretend that i don't know she's in a bad mood? Do I really know that she is? She is my alter-ego who, while she does the things she does, I've never met. How do I please her? Should I try? I know, for a fact that she could answer these questions about me in her head in about .35 milliseconds. These are not hard questions, but the answers have eluded me for about twelve years now. In my mind's eye she is a million miles ahead and I'm but a tiny speck in her rear view mirror. So when I try to think what's going on in her head I can only think of one response: It's hard to tell from here.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
¡Viva la Queero!
I recently picked up a copy of Viva Pinata for the 360. This has to be the gayest game ever conceived. How this even made it passed conception is beyond me. In the beginning, you are given a run-down plot of land on Pinata Island, your garden, to tend. It's full of various debris like old tires, iron skillets and a long-forgotten doghouse, that you must destroy with a shovel that looks like it was picked up somewhere in downtown Baghdad circa April '03, as well as patches of grass up to your knees. After you've cleared all that, you must, and I'm not making this up it is an actual in-game command, "whack hard soil". That is, make the soil softer for planting. Then your options open up. You are able to plant grass and seeds that grow into various trees, flowers and vegetables. While all this is going on your garden will start attracting the diverse local wildlife. By wildlife I mean animal shaped pinatas with happy little candy names like Flutterscotch and Sparrowmint. I mean they actually look like living, breathing paper mache party makers. Attract two of the same species and meet certain "romance requirements" and you can initiate a mating ritual between them. They will go into the home you furnished for them, as per the afore mentioned requirements, and do the "romance dance", resulting in the delivery of a brand new egg. Even if its a squirrel, you get an egg. The egg hatches, yadda yadda yadda, new baby. Sounds pretty girly so far huh? I can't be any more in love with this game! I can't explain it. It's fun! I want more pinatas! I like growing new plants! I want to get my "Master Romancer" achievement! The game reminds me of an old SNES title, Harvest Moon that I played for hours on end and I found myself tonight doing the same thing with Viva Pinata. Call me nostalgic, call me weird, call me light-in-the-loafers. I know fun when I see it and this multi-colored, childlike farm sim is brilliant. I've only gotten to about level 20, low I think, and I know there are plenty of pinatas I haven't encountered and plants I haven't grown to thier full potential yet. Yet. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and get my hands dirty whacking soil and what not. This game has actually reminded me of a rule of life that I, and probably you, don't heed as often as we should: Don't judge a book by its cover.
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